My Testimony

My husband Daniel and I got married in my hometown at the tender age of 26. We were enthusiastic “on-fire” Protestants who had started a youth group at our local church. Our Pastor was a great shepherd and had given us pre-marital counseling classes while we courted. During one of the sessions the topic of children came up, and our Pastor recommended we really take some time to discuss our views and expectations about family.

Daniel and I both agreed we wanted to have a large family of three (Don’t laugh… FYI… that’s a large family by big-city standards!). We decided that we would wait at least a year or two before having children. That seemed like the wise and sensible thing to do. We wanted to focus on our youth ministry, get accustomed to living together, and start having kids whenever we felt “ready.” As we would soon find out, we make our plans—and God laughs at them.

Daniel and I had already discussed contraceptives and birth control during our pre-marital counseling. As Protestants, that is a decision that our Pastor left to our own consciences. So, we did some research and chose to use natural family planning. Much to my surprise, as soon as we tied the knot in June of 2013, I began having this overwhelming desire to bear Daniel’s child.

Daniel was also second-guessing the time limit we had imposed on having children, so we went for it, and two months into our marriage we were excited to find out we were pregnant with our son Samuel.

Growing up, I had inherited the views of motherhood that much of the West holds today. Motherhood is important but second to my career and my freedom as a woman. I was an administrator at my family’s school, and before marriage counseling, I never questioned the established social norms. I’ll just drop the kids off at school and off to work just like everyone else, right? Plus, our school went from preschool to middle school, so I would be able to work and keep an eye on the kids at the same time. Then I would eventually inherit the school and continue the legacy. Perfect plan, right? But even before we got married, I felt a shift in my spirit. I was now crying at the idea of having to work if we happened to have children. What was going on with me?

Growing up, I had inherited the views of motherhood that much of the West holds today. Motherhood is important but second to my career and my freedom as a woman. I was an administrator at my family’s school, and before marriage counseling, I never questioned the established social norms. I’ll just drop the kids off at school and off to work just like everyone else, right? Plus, our school went from preschool to middle school, so I would be able to work and keep an eye on the kids at the same time. Then I would eventually inherit the school and continue the legacy. Perfect plan, right?

I was now crying at the idea of having to work if we happened to have children. What was going on with me?

We planned that my son would come to work with me for the first year of his life. In the middle of my pregnancy, my boss sensed that something might be changing in me and that maybe I wouldn’t return after my son was born. She proposed a plan for me to continue working, but only part-time from home.

Once I had Samuel, my desire to stay at home intensified. I felt as if there was a special grace I was tapping into. I thought,

I loved being a stay-at-home mother, but there was a pull for my attention since I was still working in an administrative role. It was then, through prayer and discernment, that we decided that I would step down completely and focus on our family. This was a financial risk for us, but we trusted that God could and would provide.

Less than two years later, we had our daughter Hephzibah, and twenty months after that, our third child Avigail. Up to that point, Daniel and I were gracefully balancing family life, ministry life, and his career.

After the birth of our third child, we embarked on one of the most difficult seasons of our lives.

The grace of motherhood that God had once given me felt as if it had shifted away. My confidence as a stay-at-home mother was being tested. Tasks that once seemed easy now made me feel completely overwhelmed. Family members and close friends encouraged me to stop having children. “Three is more than enough children. You must think about your sanity,” they would say. After all, I had been pregnant or breastfeeding for five and a half straight years (practically my entire marriage). I questioned whether I was really born to be a mother. There was a crippling fear in my mind about having another child—and it felt like I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

About a year into Avigail’s life, I began seeing a Christian therapist. Daniel and I discussed having a vasectomy to ease my fears. We greatly struggled with discerning whether we had the right to make a permanent decision about fertility. Was God OK with us making a decision that would restrict life? Did we have the authority to tell God that we were no longer open to having more biological children? We met with our Pastor to discuss whether undergoing a vasectomy was aligned with Christian doctrine. He encouraged the vasectomy as long as Daniel and I were on the same page. My Christian therapist recommended that I focus on myself and my needs. She said I had likely reached the limits of my capacity and it wouldn’t be emotionally healthy to have more children at this point. Say no more! I had all the confirmation I needed.

About a year into Avigail’s life, I began seeing a Christian therapist. Daniel and I discussed having a vasectomy to ease my fears. We greatly struggled with discerning whether we had the right to make a permanent decision about fertility.

Did we have the authority to tell God that we were no longer open to having more biological children? We met with our Pastor to discuss whether undergoing a vasectomy was aligned with Christian doctrine. He encouraged the vasectomy as long as Daniel and I were on the same page. My Christian therapist recommended that I focus on myself and my needs. She said I had likely reached the limits of my capacity and it wouldn’t be emotionally healthy to have more children at this point. Say no more! I had all the confirmation I needed.

On Valentine’s Day 2019, Daniel underwent surgery. There was definitely some relief that I would no longer have to worry about the stress of pregnancy and childbearing. But throughout the next two and a half years there was a lingering doubt as to whether or not we had done something wrong. I would occasionally find myself asking the Lord for forgiveness and asking Him to send me a miracle baby like He did for Elizabeth.

Daniel was not so optimistic. He believed we had strongly asserted our will and Christ would not override our decision unless we reversed the vasectomy. Maybe some people get miraculous babies when they get a tubal ligation or a vasectomy, but my husband felt that would not be our case.

Six months after the vasectomy our family moved to a new city. It felt like we had moved to the Bible Belt! Everywhere I looked, there were large Christian families, something I had never seen before. One of my closest friends was a homeschooling mom, raising ten beautiful children. What a huge example she was for me! I was amazed and perplexed at her lifestyle, her courage, and her sacrifice. Our paradigm on family was being challenged.

Six months after the vasectomy our family moved to a new city. It felt like we had moved to the Bible Belt! Everywhere I looked, there were large Christian families, something I had never seen before. One of my closest friends was a homeschooling mom, raising ten beautiful children. What a huge example she was for me! I was amazed and perplexed at her lifestyle, her courage, and her sacrifice.

Another major change in our life was my husband’s discovery of the early Church Fathers. It led him to leave Protestantism and begin a search for the ancient Church that Jesus had established. By the start of COVID we had already decided to convert to Catholicism.

While we were attending RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults), we learned about the Catholic Church’s stance on fertility and the grave error we had made. Although I knew we had been forgiven through repentance and confession, I wasn’t ready to consider a vasectomy reversal (nor had anyone brought it up as being necessary). I preferred to believe that if God wanted us to have more children, He could always give us a miracle baby.

Three months after coming into the Catholic Church, we found a Catholic community that helps form families in their faith. I was immediately struck by the large families, especially how joyful and spiritually healthy they were. I’m sure family life isn’t easy for any of them, but you could tell they were living with a purpose. There was a palpable holiness gleaming from the parents and children!

At this point in our new Catholic faith, we began learning about the Saints and about offering up our sufferings to God. Wow, what treasures these have been for our souls! In our Protestant background we had no context for any of this. Suffering was something that just happened to you as a Christian. You have to accept it if it comes, but it’s mainly something you should try to avoid. But through redemptive suffering, you could unite your suffering with Christ’s sufferings and offer it up as a prayer for yourself, your family, or the world. This was mind-blowing for me.

And the Saints? Well, their lives were rarely ever discussed in sermons or books. There wasn’t a framework in our Protestant theology to understand St. Teresa of Avila when she says, “God leads those He loves most by the way of trial,” or “God would not acknowledge pleasure-loving people who are free from trials as His friends.” This was yet another paradigm shift.

I had always read in the Bible that we needed to die in order to live, and that we had to lay our life down in order to find it. But more than ever before, this was becoming a reality for us. Maybe true repentance in the area of fertility meant that we needed to sacrifice. There was an opportunity to reverse the mistake we had made, and although pregnancy after vasectomy reversal is often cited at around 30–40% overall—and declines as the years pass—Daniel felt that the ball needed to be in God’s court, not ours. In November of 2021 my husband underwent a vasectomy reversal.

I had always read in the Bible that we needed to die in order to live, and that we had to lay our life down in order to find it. But more than ever before, this was becoming a reality for us. Maybe true repentance in the area of fertility meant that we needed to sacrifice. There was an opportunity to reverse the mistake we had made, and although pregnancy after vasectomy reversal is often cited at around 30–40% overall—and declines as the years pass—

In November of 2021 my husband underwent a vasectomy reversal.

Did I really want another child, though? And if so, what if we did not conceive again despite our attempts? Would I make myself vulnerable and continue to hope even if a child did not come? It was through this that the Lord would purify my heart even further. Over time I found that the answer to these questions was a resounding YES. Five months after the reversal, God in His infinite mercy blessed us with a child.

That June, while I was pregnant with him, we had the pleasure of going to Spain to visit Garabandal. This made a huge impact on me. Meditating in the beautiful area of the pines where Mary appeared, I got such a strong sense of the vocation I have as a mother. Was I supposed to reflect Mary’s willingness to always say “Yes” to God? Was my life supposed to be a picture of complete selflessness to console the heart of Jesus, just like His mother at the foot of the cross?

It’s not surprising the devil would so strongly oppose Mother Mary and our vocation of motherhood. If he can take our eyes off of Jesus and the cross so that we are focused on ourselves, then he’s won. If we live our life highlighting the burdens of motherhood, rather than recognizing the eternal gifts that we are presenting to our Lord, then Satan has accomplished his goal. If the enemy can disrupt our earthly families, then he can mar the image of our heavenly family. It’s always been his game. In Revelation 12:17 it says, “Then the dragon was angry with the woman, and went off to make war on the rest of her children, those who keep the commandments of God and hold to the testimony of Jesus.” Mother Mary is the “woman” that the verse refers to, and we are her children. He wages war against us, but we know the end of the story. Mary’s Immaculate Heart will always triumph!

Emmanuel was born. God with us—not just a name. A mercy we got to hold. I thought maybe that was the end of the story. The reversal. The miracle baby. The big lesson. But the Lord wasn’t finished asking for my Yes. And here’s the honest part: with each child it was still hard to say Yes. Even after Emmanuel. Even after seeing the mercy. The lies of the world don’t shut up just because God has already been generous. They keep whispering. That was nice you had one more. That was enough now. No more.

When Emmanuel was around eight months old, we went on pilgrimage to Israel with our spiritual family. We had our three oldest children with us, and Emmanuel. I remember sitting in the prison where Christ was held—the place where they kept Him the night before His crucifixion. I saw the holes in the ground where they placed His feet—chained—and I realized I too was still chained. I knew I was still struggling in my view of family and children—in seeing it as good as He declared it. I asked the Lord: please put to death in me everything that views family incorrectly, and resurrect in me a proper vision for family—the way You see family. And I remember very clearly what He told me:

I was dumbfounded. I knew this vision was something I would have to fight for. I had so much of the feminist propaganda in me. I was so tired of it. I wanted freedom—I wanted to live in my true identity.

We visited Mount Carmel, and as I was outside with Emmanuel while everyone else listened to a talk, God gave me the grace not to be upset about “missing out.” He showed me clearly: this is where the Blessed Mother would have been—taking care of Me. Something clicked for me again: Our Blessed Mother was a Mother! Her Yes brought the Savior of the world and changed the course of history—by being a mother! That realization came like a smack in the face:

We never know the children we will carry or the impact they will make. Yet the Lord knows. As Jeremiah 29:11 says: “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Or as Ephesians 2:10 says, “For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.”

Who would my children be in the kingdom of God? You would think with all these “realizations” I would be jumping in freedom and screaming with joy—let’s have another one! I know who I am and whose I am—I can trust now! He won’t give me more than I can handle. Haha—but alas, I am very weak, and even with all this encouragement I was still uneasy to say Yes again.

Not long after, the Lord used a very sensitive situation with a friend to bring about my second Yes—with Rafael. God allowed me to see firsthand what abortion brings: death, destruction, regret, loss, and shame. More than anything, it was robbery—filled with lies from the enemy. While walking this out with my friend and trying to help her as much as I could, I found myself before the Tabernacle, broken, and I told the Lord: “I’ll take them all. I’ll take them for all those that don’t want them.” What was I saying? What if God really did send me all the children? Could I handle it?

I pushed that thought aside. Sometimes we pray prayers and we don’t even know what we’re saying. It comes from the depths of our souls—it comes from Truth itself. That was one of those prayers.

That moment became another wake-up call. How did we get here? Why was I still trying to run from my fertility—to separate that from who I am? It was then that I listened to Alice von Hildebrand in The Privilege of Being a Woman. I was struck with more truth—not lies—about being a woman: the truth about the dignity and privilege of being a woman and being able to carry two souls within me. What a gift—what trust the Lord shows us.

She wrote, “Lucifer has achieved his greatest victory since original sin by convincing women that their privilege is in fact their greatest obstacle to achieving secular greatness.” And again: “One thing is certain: When the time has come, nothing which is man-made will subsist. One day, all human accomplishments will be reduced to a pile of ashes. But every single child to whom a woman has given birth will live forever, for he has been given an immortal soul made to God’s image and likeness…”

The culture has gotten us so far from ourselves that we treat the gift of life as optional. What the Church teaches about marriage began to make sense in my bones: love and life belong together. We cannot separate the marital embrace from procreation. Love begets love. Love creates.

I am weak, and I had to see the worst for my heart to open a bit more. I don’t wish that on anyone. I came back and said, “Okay. Let’s try to have another one.”

I am weak, and I had to see the worst for my heart to open a bit more. I don’t wish that on anyone. I came back and said,

I want you to know this: I am a testament that there is nothing we could ever do that would keep the Lord’s love from finding us. If you have walked through abortion, there is forgiveness for you. Scripture says it plainly in Romans 8:38–39:

Out of that surrender, He gave us Rafael—our fifth child, our second after the reversal. Rafael means “God heals,” and that is exactly what the Lord was doing in our story. Another miracle. Another eternal soul. Another sign that God had the final word. Pregnancy after vasectomy reversal is often cited at around 30–40% overall, and it declines as the years pass. Two children after that surgery was already more than we could have hoped for—a total miracle of His mercy. I was floored. Emmanuel and Rafael both felt “planned”—at least so I thought. They came when I yielded and gave my consent.

Amid all the miracles, I realized I still was not completely free in this area of trust and surrender. I brought up the subject at the end of a spiritual direction meeting, and my spiritual director asked if I had prayed about having more children. I laughed. “No. God knows I can’t have another child right now. I have a five-month-old and a toddler at home, plus the three older ones. My body also needs time to heal.” She told me to pray. When I did, I found He was not asking me for another child in that moment—and He told me never to fear coming to Him, especially about my fertility.

I got pregnant very soon after that prayer, and the Lord gave me the grace to accept this pregnancy with much joy. I instantly felt in awe that the Lord was entrusting us with another child. On a natural level, I could have gotten angry with God, asking Him: What about me and my desires? What about my body? Do I not matter? Yet by the grace of God, I could see clearly that this child was a gift, and that for some reason God wanted this child to be born now. After reflecting a bit, I realized that it did not matter whether I felt ready or wanted to get my body “strong.” I had given God my Yes a long time before, and He could call me to account whenever He wanted. (I had prayed that prayer!)

Around that time I started reading He Leadeth Me by Father Walter J. Ciszek, S.J., a book about the Jesuit’s experience in Soviet prisons and camps. At a certain point, he became worn out by the constant agonizing interrogations, the lack of food, and the complete isolation. He devised a plan to get out of the prison by agreeing to whatever the Soviets demanded so the interrogations would end. He had come to his breaking point. When, at last, he realized the grave error, he felt that the Holy Spirit did not aid him as he had expected. Later, through revelation, he found that God could not help him because he had already decided for himself what the Lord wanted of him or what He might say. Father Walter had devised his own plan without the Lord.

To say I was convicted would be an understatement. I realized that the same thing had happened to me. In prayer, I had heard what I wanted because I had made up my mind on what God should say. This is so dangerous! How many other times had I done this? I had gone to prayer and heard my own voice instead of being open to His will. I then heard clearly,

One of the other things that had worried me beforehand was that my body was not strong enough and that I had to strengthen it. I also had to lose weight and become healthier. But that’s not what God thought. While reading He Leadeth Me, I realized that the body can endure far more than we can imagine. Father Walter writes about how, in the prison camps in Siberia, the prisoners would work 14-hour days. They would work until exhaustion under cruel and harsh conditions with barely enough food to survive. You would think your body could do no more, but then you were able to get up afresh the next morning and do it all over again. He writes about how we are both spirit and flesh, and that the flesh is not as weak as we may think it is.

Our daughter Maria del Carmen was not planned at all. The Lord took me by surprise. He was still teaching me: He is the author of life. He breathes on the womb. His timing—not mine.

This child was born in the Year of Jubilee. In the Catholic tradition, the Jubilee is a time of special grace—forgiveness, redemption, renewal, pilgrimage. I asked the Lord that her birth would bring freedom in this area of my heart. It was the same prayer I had prayed in the prison in Israel: put to death the part of me that views family incorrectly, and resurrect Your proper vision. Looking back, I can see what a roller coaster of false ideologies I have believed when it comes to motherhood—and so I keep asking Him to put those lies to death and raise up His true vision for my life.

He has made it possible for us to be fertile as if we had never taken a break at all. Six children during 12 years of marriage, even while making the grievous mistake of a vasectomy. Only God can do this!

By the grace of God alone, our daughter was born on Christmas Day in the middle of the night. Named after Maria del Carmen de Garabandal. Born into the mystery of the birth of Jesus. The Lord outdid Himself in generosity. We had a home birth, and my midwife—a dear friend—looked at me after Maria was born, gushing with joy and excitement: “You’re just like Mary—having baby Jesus.” I was deeply humbled; she saw the Holy Family even in my weakness and littleness.

I knew deeply that the gift of Maria del Carmen being born on Christmas was a gift for us all to unpack as the years passed. But more so, the gift was for my daughter—to share her birth with the Nativity of the Lord—she who is named after Our Blessed Mother.

What came from me was a heart full of gratitude.

I know how unworthy I am of these gifts, and yet He never speaks to me that way. He loves me. He trusts me. He sees my Yes—even when it is small.

In many ways, each child is healing me. 1 Timothy 2:15 says, “Yet she will be saved through childbearing—if they continue in faith and love and holiness, with self-control.” I have felt that. I have lived that. With each child the Lord has expanded my love, my joy, my understanding of Him and of family. I look at them now and know they are good just as He says they are.

I have more kids than I ever thought I would. I don’t know how many the Lord has for me now.

The enemy wants me to focus on the number because that can bring fear. The question is: do you trust Me? Can you trust Me here? For a long time I couldn’t. I was afraid. My hands were shut so tightly. And if I had kept them shut, I would have missed so much joy and so much love.

The enemy paints a false picture of what openness will look like—and that picture is usually a lie. I have been led by fear for too long. Now I am learning to be led by love, and to take the grace He gives in the moment I need it—not a minute before.

Each soul is irreplaceable, unique, and immortal. In the end, we will never regret having too many. Each season is just for a little while: nothing lasts forever except His Word. I am still on a journey of conversion. Conversion is daily. Surrender is daily. I have not “arrived.” Still, I feel burdened by the Lord to help other women see this:

The world wants us to think temporary things are most important. Souls are what last. Careers fade, houses crumble, and titles are forgotten. A child’s soul, and raising it for heaven, is the work that remains when everything else falls away.

I understand the mother who feels she can do no more—that she can give no more. I understand the mother who is afraid of the many years of fertility she has left. I understand the thought, “I cannot keep going at this rate.” I understand the real thought, “My body cannot take any more—I need a break, I deserve a break.” I understand. He understands. Everyone’s situation is different. Do not fear. Be at peace. He knows you. He sees you.

Seek the Lord to know His will. Pray with your spouse. Talk to your spiritual director. Ánimo! Have courage! Be brave! The world needs your generosity. The Lord asks for your Yes! You were created out of love, for love, to be a self-gift. It is in being a gift that we find our healing. You are not alone.